I'm still on the therapy every 2 weeks schedule. I don't get desperate between sessions, but I do miss him. When I went there this week, it seemed like I hadn't been there for ages. T thought so too--it's been a while, he said.

What are you needing today? he asks. To talk. At one time that was a hard question for me--way to put me on the spot!--but I go to a therapist to talk, so I am comfortable giving that generic answer if I have no other pressing need. It's better than saying "nothing", because then I guess I should just head out the door. Needing to talk is a need.

I have a story to tell him and it's hard to get him to stay with the thread. He's jumping around to other stuff and following up on side strands that are not important to me. Stay with me, T, and where I am trying to go. I start to lay the story down and we have some good moments.

Unfortunately, at one point we need to verify some future legal meetings, so he gets his appointment book. Yep, they're all there. Now put book away, T. But he has brought his laptop over too, which I don't understand as his schedule is kept in his book. He keeps looking at the laptop as I'm talking and not giving me his full attention. His questions as I talk indicate he is not fully with me. What are you needing today, he asks again, as if to change the subject. But I don't want to change the subject. I am trying to go somewhere with him. To talk, I say again. Pause--he still doesn't look up at me. I need you to put your computer away, I say. (Wow, a year ago I never would have been able to say that to him.) OK, he says, I'm shutting things down. But it seems to take forever. He keeps looking and typing in stuff. Is he reading his email? I sit and don't say anything. He asks me another question that is outside of our train of talk. I say, I'm not talking to you until you finish with your laptop. I had it out for your schedule, he says. Finally, he is done, and he pushes it away, and just at that moment a cell phone buzzes, the sound they make when set to vibrate. Again and again. I say, is that you or me? It's my phone, he says, somewhat sheepishly. Sheesh, I am really having to compete with the electronica tonight.

We get back to the main flow and the story goes really well. It ends up being a great rest of the session. He says several times, I cannot believe what you just have told me, that we are sitting here talking about this. That you are where you are. He thanks me for sharing this with him and says what I have told him is health. He was worried about me the last week and how I would be taking things (had a bit of a road bump) and it turns out I am just fine. He is surprised and I tell him a lot of good has come from it, and that amazes me too. I have discovered something in myself that I didn't know was there. A good thing. I feel very centered. And yes, very healthy. Very certain of who I am. He tells me I am fully integrated, and I'm not sure quite what to make of that word, but I think it means partly that I have confidence in who I am, and am not swayed by what others think about that.

He says I am where I am at because I have not shyed from the hard work, all the grief work, but have gone right through it. He says many people don't want to do it, because it is too painful, and so they think that just because they don't do it, that they will be all right. But they're not, and they have years of unhappiness or anger because of it, all because they were scared to do the front end work. He sees people turn down the opportunity to heal all the time, and says with therapies like EMDR, people can be helped more quickly than before with grief and pain and trauma. I sense in him a slight frustration, a sense of helplessness--like, you can know how to help a person, but you can't do anything unless they are willing to do it too. And so you just have to let them go. I think that must be a little bit painful for a T, just a little--I know it goes with the job.

On the way out, I get a very tender, full on hug (as distinct from our frequently sideways hugs). He says something again about where I am at, and I say, I would not be here without you, and he says, right back atcha. I think he gets something out of our relationship too, and that thought always warms me. I have made another appointment in 2 weeks time. He says something like, if you need me, you know how to find me. What? I am not sure what he is saying. He says something else kind of cryptic. What do you mean? Then he states very clearly, if you need me in between sessions, email me, and we can talk or write. Just let me know and I am here. He seemed somewhat wistful like he wished that I was not going to be taking 2 weeks in between sessions. That is total projection on my part, I'm sure, LOL, but he has never ever told me to email him if I needed him or implied that I could use email for that reason. I use email with him mostly for business stuff like changing appointments, etc. It is kind of crazy to me what he just said, like he is offering more than I need or have asked for because he wants our connection too, not just for the good it will do me, but for himself. I don't know how to explain it--probably projection again. I never tried to do email therapy with him or reach out to him that way with desperate concerns or feelings or neediness or long explanations of what was happening in my life. I was what I thought was being very respectful of his boundaries with our occasional, brief email exchanges. And now he offers this. I feel very honored and taken care of that he would offer that to me. Like he also cares about me when I am not in his office.

Last night I dreamt that T told me he was going on a vacation to Hawaii with a bunch of people and had reserved a campsite right on the water, and everyone was going to bring their tents, and it was going to be fantastic. He asked if I wanted to come, and all I had to do was go to the vacation website and sign up. He said it would be inexpensive because we were camping and I would only need to pay for airfare and bring my own tent. I was somewhat taken aback by this invitation but also felt pleased, like he wanted me in his life in a different way from therapy. But I had some little worries. It was a bit confusing. Do I want to go in this direction? Do I want to leave the therapeutic relationship with him behind? Because this seemed like it might change things. But I did want to go. I thought how T had managed his triple role with me very well (individual T, couples T, and divorce coach), as he had assured me he could, so I should trust him and believe that he could handle this potential change/addition to his role too (Hawaii vacation buddy). As it turned out, I ended up not being able to go to Hawaii because of a conflict with the dates, and I remember feeling relieved, because I realized I didn't want to go to Hawaii with T until I had lost some weight because I don't look so hot in a bathing suit right now. But then somehow I was in Hawaii anyway, at the campsite. And I don't remember T being there, but I was with his group and remember talking and hanging out with his wife a lot. She was a very direct person and didn't hesitate to speak her mind about things, but since I largely agreed with her, I didn't mind. What this all means, I'm not sure. I wonder where T was? Maybe out snorkeling. Or looking for a wi-fi signal for his laptop.

just another one of my way too long posts.....