[quote=lifelesstraveled;939085]I just deleted an entire response and now am writing another. I am worried about you. Could you be suffering from PTSD from the death of your mother? HOw long have you had this fear??? I had a thought like that running thru my mind for 3 straight month...by the third month I was a complete zombie--completely detached and numb.

You know that your thinking is crazy making...but you can't stop. I overstand completely.

I think you need see a therapist. Would you consider that??? have you seen a therapist since the death of your mother??? Maybe a T will help you process your grief and help with your anxiety? They won't put you away because of your fear. Please consider seeing a therapist.

Yes, I would consider seeing a therapist. I never thought that it could be PTSD, but maybe it could be. It was very traumatic. Sometimes, I still can't believe it happened. For months after it happened, I would think to myself, "That did not happen, it didn't happen." I questioned everything I believed in. I have always been a Christian, but I was angry at God for taking my mom. I was angry that she had to die that way, it wasn't right. She didn't deserve to die that way. She was in car in her own lane and someone swerved infront of an 18 wheeler and the 18 wheeler hit that car into my mother who was pushed up against a cement barrier. She died at the scene. She died on a freeway in rush morning traffic. I wondered for days and days after, if she new she was dying, did she know she was going to die, was she afraid, was she in pain, did she feel alone, did she worry about leaving me and her grandkids behind and her sick mother. I know now that she probaly didn't know what was happening, because it happened in a second and there probaly wasn't time to think. She died quick. I found out while I was driving to the doctor. I pulled my car over and sat on the side of the road until someone came to get me. I saw the traffic backed up on the freeway. I knew she was alone on the freeway. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to tell her I loved her. I tried to call her the night before, but her phone was busy. I miss her. I want her back. I still need her. I am not mad at God anymore, I'm just sad. I have no one to really talk to. This is getting alot off my chest. I feel like people think, it's been two years, get over it, but I can't. All this anxiety hit me Christmas morning at 4am. I literally had panic attacks for 4 days straight. The medication is helping. I just have days when I feel very afraid and alone. I don't have anyone to fall back on. I have to keep going because I am responsible for everything in my family My husband doesn't help. I told him one day that I would see my mom in heaven again and that that made me happy, and he told me I wouldn't see her ever again because there was no heaven. Even if her truly believes that, why would he say that to me? Thank you for listening. I will be calling a counselor to talk to.