and that's all i go on for... duty to those i care about... but i can't, or, i hope i can't, i certainly don't want to stay around like this. it's so unbearable... and non-functional... and i can't hope on a lottery's chance at change. because that's all there is... it's been so long, i've tried everything i can find, i just keep getting worse. i refuse to grasp at that far-fetched hope anymore... i'm tired of losing it each time. so i just exist... until everything falls apart i guess.

last time i overdosed i was very much out of it, and am pretty sure i would have faded until i died, pretty obliviously, had they not found me. i'm not afraid of doing that... it actually feels oddly safe... i am afraid of jumping. i'd have to be really desperate to do that...