I don't intend to offend anyone nor trigger anyone in typing this but hopefully nobody gets triggered nor offended.

Anyways, after meeting with 2 psychiatrists recently at a forensic psychology center (also had some prison inmates in cuffs come in a few times in random hallways), lots of tight security for pretty much every door to a hallway, I met with the 2 psychiatrists. 1 I met with before who is a senior resident, the other is a full-trained psychiatrist. I'll make the story short, sweet and simple, in saying that they wish for me to do some personality tests, one of them being the famous MMPI-2 test. I have no problem doing that, despite the fact that I'll get pretty bored with 567 questions.

They refused to give a concrete diagnosis until I do those tests which some psychologist has to call me and tell me when to come in to do them. I asked what they suspected or else I'm not doing any tests. So, they said they highly suspected I have anti-social personality disorder and possibly also narcissistic personality disorder. I've seen a total of about 7-8 psychiatrists and several therapists, and the therapists sometimes commented on more than one occasion that what I've said was along the lines of sociopathic.

My family has a history of mental disorders, ranging from my father being a narcissistic with a lousy temper to one of my aunts having depression and substance abuse (mostly alcohol) to my grandmother having body dysmorphic disorder. Those are just some examples, I'm not going to list all the disorders I know of that certain individuals in my family have.

I first got oppositional defiant and then conduct disorder, and now, at 19 years old, 2nd year university, possibly ASPD and NPD, as well as schizophrenia (as far as I know, nobody else in my family has schizophrenia). I'm not going to mention what damages I've done to people or property but I will say they started at a very young age. I think at around 10-11 years old I stole a decent amount of merchandise from some stores, and got caught doing so a few times. The other things I'm quite sure would trigger people so I'll refrain from saying them.

Anyways, I guess part of the reason for suspecting ASPD is what I lack, such as remorse, guilt, empathy, emotions (except for anger, that flares up a lot and when it does it tends to explode), etc... .

Part of what I find to be hard or annoying is that I just don't understand some of the stuff, such as feeling the emotions or why or how to properly understand how to react. I can certainly see the emotions in others, use them but feel none of it. Heck, sometimes for TV shows, I've had my mother try to explain some emotional things in it during the commercials and I'm still clueless. My therapist, who is leaving me soon but is quite good, tries to do some role-playing and get me to understand some stuff but it's not working at all. It's like being constantly isolated even though you're right next to a person, being expected to somehow know all of this. It's like somehow they all got the booklets explaining it and I got nothing. It's not for only very complex emotions, such as being in a group, it can also be for a 1-1 conversation. Someone says something and I know how I should act, what to do/say and how to say it, and I do that but don't feel it. Other times, I do the same things but it's not entirely appropriate or something and I get weird looks, feeling even more isolated, like you've found a small door in this glass wall and someone just kicks it shut on your face.

I think part of it may be due to it being passed down somewhat and due to a rather lousy childhood, where I wasn't able to connect with anyone without having them turn on me right away.

However, despite this, I do have some relationships with people, such as at university campus. Those people I don't really harm nor manipulate, but if someone else attempts to harm them in some way, their life will get rather miserable very soon.

I know that some of the things I like are power, control, money, getting what I want when I want from who I want. I sometimes also like having none of the human emotions (except for anger) because I see other people having them and they're swamped, flooded in grief or just plain overwhelmed and I don't want that. What I am makes me unique, above others, superior to them. But, a few times I do want to feel them even though I see how overwhelming they are.

It's not something of me suppressing them, if I see let's say a person sad I think "they're sad" and I get a reasonably good profile of them based on how they act and such. But no emotion clicks in me. I know that based on others I should feel sad also, so if I mimic looking sad, still, get nothing clicking.

On one hand, it does suck quite a lot but on the other hand, I do whatever I want with no remorse or anything. I've read around on the Internet of some things and they all seem quite accurate.

I forget the author's name but there was a book, Without Conscience, or something like that, and although I haven't read it yet, I've heard it's quite a good read.

Does anyone have any experience with ASPD, NPD? Any experience with learning emotions? I'm in the therapy attempting to learn them or sometimes get my mother to help but I feel like an infant, so confused with some big fancy gadget that nobody explains or their explanations are in some foreign language.