I have always loved that he is my therapist and I've never wanted to be friends or lovers, etc. In one of our very early sessions, he spontaneously suggested (at the doorknob) that I would like being a part of his "church" (for lack of a better word, as he is not traditionally religious, but more spiritual). I froze at this "invitation" and was terrified he was suggesting I join some external activity of which he was part. Plus, I have this phobia about religion because my H was very dictatorial about what sort of religious or spiritual thought or activity was allowed in the house (he is a radical atheist), and the mere mention of this by T made me feel like even my thinking about doing something "religious" would get me in trouble. I felt frightened, like I might be beaten--that's the irrational place I was in. So I kind of had a freaky reaction when T suggested I would like his "church". After all, I hardly knew him, and was still in that "terrified of my H" stage. Then just a few weeks ago, T told me this little fantasy he had (I mentioned it here on PC), in which all the people in his life who were "deep" souls would get together and do something together, like a social activity, and he included me in this group. And I felt really different than over 2 years ago when he suggested the "church" thing. I felt like, yeah, I would like to get together with T and his gang. It made me feel closer to him that he would include me in his imaginings. So the dream was kind of like that--T invited me to do this activity (Hawaii) with him and his friends/family. And in the dream I kind of wanted to do it, but still felt a bit of trepidation. I think I am growing to the point where I might be able to accept seeing T outside of the office. I'm not saying I want that, but just that I now feel possibly capable of it, whereas before I just was very uncomfortable with the idea.

I think there is a part of me that lately feels more and more that I don't need therapy now, and this part of me is casting about for a way to continue the relationship after therapy ends. Hence, the Hawaii dream. There are two big reasons I go to therapy: 1) to get help with my issues, solve problems, deal with feelings, get support, etc. and 2) to see and be with T, because we have a great rapport and enjoy each other's company so much. I'm feeling like reason 1 is fading, but reason 2 is still there, stronger than ever. But I have this feeling that reason 2 is not enough to justify going to therapy. Like the therapy police are going to catch me and say, "you can't go to therapy just because you are close to your T and like to be with him."

I think the Hawaii dream is an attempt to solve the problem of termination. It's interesting what my unconscious is willing to grapple with that I am not.