RiverX, thanks for your thoughtful post. I thought there might be some people here who would focus on the laptop thing. Your post really made me think about that, and it is interesting to think about how there is not one universal response (thoughts, feelings, actions) to a given situation. People are different.

To me, your post hinges on this question. For me, it isn't so much a question of right or wrong or that there is one absolute "right" and "wrong" that works for all situations. There are different situations and people and circumstances. I think you need to work out what is right and wrong for you based on your circumstances and the people involved. T and I resolved this to our satisfaction. Sure, it created a little bit of angst while in session, but we dealt with it satisfactorily and didn't let it dominate our time together. It was an example of problem solving, communicating, boundary setting--all the relationship skills I need out there in real life.

Because my T is also my divorce coach, sometimes times arise during our sessions when he must do a business type thing involving his laptop, as it pertains to my case. Scheduling is one example or checking something in a relevant email. I am indeed paying him to do these things. There have been times when he composed emails in our sessions, and then read them back to me, and I was so glad, as I had the opportunity to edit them and make sure they communicated what I wanted them to. However, I don't like to dally on these things during my sessions (there is always the tension between the dual role of therapist and coach), and it seemed to me that T had brought his laptop over unnecessarily. It seemed all he needed was his appointment book, but then again, maybe I don't fully understand his calendaring system. But I felt once he put his appointment book down, he should put the laptop away too, and he kept looking at it and not fully listening to me. I don't like it when he tries to do therapy with me with one part of his brain but another part is doing something else, like looking at a computer screen. The quality of the therapy he provides declines. I think he should just finish his scheduling or whatever on the laptop and be done with it, and not try to listen and talk to me at the same time. So yeah, I felt T was "wrong" to do this, but I fixed it by telling him what I needed. Maybe I don't know the full story as I don't know why he needed his laptop with him for the scheduling. But he did comply with my wishes and he did stop trying to talk to me until he was finished, and he realized he was "wrong". Anyway, whether right or wrong, the situation was resolved and we moved on and had a great session. He has been reminded that I don't like the laptop work to go on forever, and he gave me his full attention, empathy, etc. For me there would be no point to hold a grudge about this and keep harping about this or let it prevent the important (and rewarding) work of the session. Just because T was "wrong" for trying to talk and do laptop at the same time, doesn't mean I need to throw our therapeutic relationship out the window. That would be like throwing the baby out with the bath water. (I also have some negative transference that I recognize in regards to the laptop. When I would go to talk to my H about child rearing issues, he would usually be on his computer, and he would just keep working on it as we spoke and not seem to be paying attention to me, and often he would be watching pornography. Yuck. So yeah, I have issues with someone using a computer while I am trying to talk to them. I am cognizant of this and try not to let this invade my interaction with T when he has his laptop out.)

We first talked about the laptop a while ago, and he told me in certain circumstances his wife doesn't like it when he goes on his laptop. And I said me too, and his eyes widened. I can still see that expression, lol. He was totally interested in my comments. I told him that when he has the laptop on his lap, it stands between us, like a barrier, and makes it hard to connect. We had a really good discussion about that. He didn't realize that and thanked me sincerely for telling him. And his laptop behavior "improved" after that and I bet it improved with other clients too. He just did not realize that it could be a barrier to connection for clients (maybe it wasn't for him), even though the laptop was needed in session at the time. So he learned from this, and I appreciate he can still learn after many years of being a therapist.

So at our last session, I reminded him of my boundary about the laptop, communicated my needs, he responded, and the problem was solved. I feel proud of that sequence, as it is not something I could have done when I began therapy. If I had to remind him every session about the laptop, I'd probably get pissed off or fed up, but that has not been the case.

I think there are people with certain personalities and histories who are extremely sensitive to abandonment, rejection, etc., and they would not have been able to tolerate this. I think he is a skilled enough clinician to know this. Although I have some abandonment issues, they may not be as severe, and I am not a black and white thinker, given to catastrophizing, etc., and he knows this, so that probably feeds into his choices. (Every T knows not to treat all clients the same.) I think for those people, he would probably have to charge them more, because he would have to do some of these business type tasks outside of session, so they would need to pay for his extra time. (He would need to bill them like a lawyer, for every minute spent on their case.) Or he would just have to eat the loss in compensation, and I am sure he does this frequently. But at least for some clients, including myself, he can do these tasks in session, when I am paying him to do them and know that it is not the end of the world if he does them.