Thank you sunrise. For this thorough and validating response.

Everything you said makes a lot of sense. But STILL theres something I feel inconsolable about this.
And I'm sure it is, as you said about abandonment etc issues. But theres still something inside me that I havent solved, or found proper words for.

I think my recent experiences with therapy were so highly emotionally loaded that in some ways I'm beyond the ordinary rational.

still, the way you described it the second time it sounded a lot different, re the double roles and necassary use of laptop etc.

.......I'll be thinking more about this...

let you know when I find the answer....

my CaliT used to take notes, I had the feeling he was going to put them in the cosmic microwave and come back with the answer for me in the next session, somehow, he never did, he just took more notes!!

r.