Quote:
Originally Posted by GrayNess
Thank you Junerain and Micah for the replies. I know it may sound somewhat odd but as Micah mentioned the rage that dictated their life, I like the rage, the power, etc... . Gives such a rush especially if there's another person/people around feeling it.
I'm not a believer in karma and am not going to pay back any karmatic cost or apologies because what I did I enjoyed and did it for a reason. Any apologies I give are empty and meaningless words that others like to hear (although I do tend to break them and promises a fair bit).
I suppose it would get easier although it's not frightening learning all of it, it's just confusing and many times I just want to quit the therapy because I'm getting nowhere.
Well, I'll do the MMPI-2 test, although how long did it take you to do? I assume 3-5 hours?
Junerain, yes, certain psyches do have their advantages, no arguement there. Time can also be a great healer, although much of the damage I've caused still hasn't worn off of some people yet. Who knows though, it may change for me a bit or a lot. I'm pretty sure I cant go into saying what I've done here but humans and animals have all been targets in the past and present.
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Ah yes, the rage is addictive, is it not? Especially when you see the fear in others eyes, the humiliation........The reason why I entertained it for so long.......it was better than any drug I have ever taken........so much power...
Karma is not something that we choose, it is bestowed upon us whether we like it or not........but honour is. I am not sorry that I did what I did as I still believe that they deserved it.........what I choose to question is the way I dealt with it.......in order to grow one must accept responsibility, not contrition. Contrition is a spiritual quest of forgiveness......which I have also attempted to embark on in the last couple of years. I am 35.
I could either become a fully fledged psycopath and live on a knifes edge of power and destruction or I could accept that if I chose that path I would lose my son, and whatever seed of good that I have, which I know I am capable of.
I do not mean to be directly combative, but you remind me of me. I do not mean to patronise by implying that I "understand" you........but your experience strikes a homecoming chord in me that I cannot ignore.
I have lived with rage for 15 years and the rage attacks, I call "demon runs". I was calculating, cold and ruthless. I have also experienced flashes of divine love........human love has always left me hollow as I do not understand it in its entirety and am often mystified by how it leaves people.......but the more I practice it the better it becomes.
I refuse to believe, no matter how much of a sociopath you might be referred to as, you are not in my eyes and I don't even know you. I guess its because people looked at me the same way, and even though I immensely enjoyed their discomfort, I was also extremely isolated.....no one tried to understand......I was branded. Sorry, sound like i am trying to "save" you from yourself........I am self indulgent.
Please feel free to tell me to get nicked and I am sorry if I have made you angry, my motivations are pure........yes the test took a long time to do but it was the start of a terrifying, exhilarating journey. Give it a chance.
In stillness.........
