Melpomene,
I am sorry you are in such pain - do you have a T you can talk to about this? do you know what triggered it?
I was recently triggered by having a good morning - I know that sounds crazy but thats what happened - I hadnt had a good morning with no si urges for as long as I can remember - and I didnt recognise it when it happened and this made me nervous and so I wanted to SI now I know its a trigger I can deal with it and you can deal with yours too - there is hope
try not to be so hard on yourself - you are human - we make mistakes - Geez Ive made HUNDREDS!
but you can do this - there is hope
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts 
its how many times you get back up!
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture 
)
When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet