i was at the end of the rope. i had no hope. NONE.
i had lost the desire to fight back anymore. i was beaten down to nothingness.
i couldn't even express what i was feeling anymore. there was nothing but a black hole in my heart, a VOID.
i decided to give it more more shot of getting better but i really didn't believe it would happen. historically i had always been a fighter but there was no more fight left in me.
i said i breathed air. that described me.
i had even lost the ability to cry.
my favorite quote was edna st. vincent millay's: "life goes on, i forget just why."
i admitted myself into a private hospital in the psych ward. i had two wonderful men that treated me, a phd psycholgist (cbt) and a psychiatrist. they slowly began "peeling back the onion" seeing me 7 days a week. i was put on different meds. they were aggressive with the doseages at first to speed up the theuraputic doseage process. later they found the right doseage for me once i came back to "life".
i slowly started vomitting up all the hurt and pain i had stuffed since a child. i entrusted these two men with my life. trusting was a new feeling for me. they had earned the trust i gave them. they had to work hard to gain it. they did.
i requested a longer stay cause i was so afraid i would fail if they let me out too soon. i stayed at the hosp. for about 60 days. why fear of failure? i had decided this was my final attempt at getting well. i was done if it didn't work.
i worked hard in therapy, they worked hard.
i started to eat again. i even found i could laugh again.
i stayed in weekly therapy for over 10 years. i worked for evey learning tool they gave me. i practiced till i got it as good as i could. i applied what i learned in all my daily living...relationships, selfimage, coping skills, anger issues, depression, aloneness, trust issues, family issues, "old tapes",etc. i had no support system at that time...no family that seemed to care and no friends to speak of.
it was like i had been in a coccoon. when i emerged thru this process of healing i became the new and improved "me". i had hope. i had learned to love myself in spite of my "warts", i knew that this journey was for a lifetime of self discovery. i learned to really love life. i learned that i was full of gratitude for the help i had received and the person i had worked for and become.
i am so grateul today. every day is a gift i have received. i can make it as beautiful as i want it to be. i make every effort to not let others rain on my parade. life is too short for that. i feel empowered.
i hope my experiences may help empower you too.
"you can't keep it, unless you are willing to give it away." that is what i hope i have done in this reply..give it to you. you are are value and worth. you are unique in this entire world of ours. you are very, very special.