I think I relate, not the physical part but the mental.

>> Also, I lie. About things I don't even need to lie about. <<
That's me... So, here's some thoughts.

I grew up an only adopted child of an older mom. She had her "ways" and thinking about the future. I felt I couldn't speak my mind so I shut up. When I talked, she would talk over me, tell me "you wouldn't want to do that..." and "why would I support you if you were just going to do that..." kind of talk. This is how people in the 1950s lived - through passive agressive living. In some ways, it wasn't "real" but felt that way. I felt "I better live like she thinks I am vs. how I want to." So in my teenage years, everything was a lie if I was going to do something outside of her expectations. I didn't tell her about my first girlfriends, I didn't tell her I occasionally smoked, drank, etc. Everythink was about "saving money" - she had lived through the depression in the 30s, etc.

She did it because that's how she lived, or was "trained" by culture in the mid 1900s. I learned to lie because I feared failing in her eyes and finding repercussions. Match made in heaven, right?

Your boyfriend will not hurt you if you speak your mind - unless he was trained by parents in this same way. Intead, he may respect you more. Go meet his parents. See how they act. Does his dad hit him/his mom for being unique and speaking their mind? If not, then you are free to not worry.

I'm still afraid to speak my mind entirely with my wife (heartfelt talks, that kind of thing) - she has had some of this "training" from her dad as she was growing up. She is a wonderful woman - yet I have a hard time talking with her. She has also had depression, ADD, manic-depressive disorder, back problems, hysterectomy, some kind of growth on her pituitary gland (that somehow "went away") and so on. She spends most of her days on the couch now - and she's only in her mid 40s. So much life out there, so much she's missing.

Anyway - what would I do? See if you can find a therapist who can help you with EMDR. EMDR is a way to work with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). That's a disorder that relates to a living condition caused by some type of undue stress in our younger years. Someone hit you, someone hurt you in some stessful way. Once you work it out with EMDR and eventually forgiveness, you can lose some or even all of what's holding you back now.

It won't just be a boyfriend, it'll be a manager at work, close friends, etc. So, work on it now and have a great rest of your life. Took me at least until I was about 40 to get to this point - I lived a life where lying to my closest family members was somewhat normal. But the interesting thing was - the lies were what I wrapped around things I wanted to do. Just normal stuff, really - life. I wrapped up what made me unique in lies and only shared it with myself. Still do sometimes but I at least have the ability to share me a lot more easily with my kids. Since I know they are "open" and unable to hurt me, I'm so much more open with them too.