My t is in Argentina, and I've not seen her for 2 weeks. I have another 1-1/2 weeks to go. I have been doing my best to stay busy and not dwell on her absence. . .to be strong and adult and do life. But I can't help noticing that whenever my t takes an extended vacation, it is a terrible trigger for me. I am hoping that if I can explain what happens inside me, somebody might understand. Or at least I can share it and know somebody will hear.

For awhile after t leaves, I get along fine. Keep myself very busy. Not let myself ruminate. Do life. But eventually, a certain spiral begins. It begins in the front of me, in the soft spot between my ribs. It's an empty feeling. An aching. It pulls at me. Like it is reaching for something I need that is not there. It's all physical, there's no emotion yet. Just that empty, aching, pulling sensation. It is so uncomfortable. It's a physical hurting.

My first impulse is to try to ignore or bury it. But once I become aware of the aching pulling feeling, I can't seem to block it out. So I get busier, fill my head with other things, try to make time go fast. All the while, the pain is there in my body, right in my center. At some point, I realize that the painful physical feeling must have something to do with my t being away. It feels like a "missing" or "going without." I tell myself that I'm fine and she'll be back soon, that I am an adult, and there is no reason to feel this way, that it is weak and stupid. I try harder to ignore the hurting pull in my chest.

But as time goes on, the reaching, needing feeling rises into a sort of panicked feeling. . .like I'm in a cramped space and can't get enough air. Like I need rescue but nobody is coming. The realization that neither t, nor anyone else, can rescue me from this feeling. At some point, it sinks in that this feels so bad, it can't just be about my t going on vacation. It has to be more. It has to be all the times in my life I've felt left behind, left alone invisible. I don't want to remember those times! I don't want to remember that feeling. By now, the pain is trying to push it's way out, and I am running from it.

I make myself even busier, try to make the time go by faster, avoid the feeling by sleeping, do whatever I can to keep from thinking about either t being gone, or about past abandonments. But eventually, the disappointment sinks in. The heart drop. The let down feeling. The "I screamed for help and nobody came" feeling. A part of me knows that I'm overreacting, that t hasn't abandoned me. That I'm not that little girl facing a crisis all alone. But it feels that way. Every bit that way. In every cell of my body, every fiber of my being. I feel devastated and utterly abandoned.

And then finally . . .I feel angry. Angry at t for not being there. Angry at myself for becoming attached and having to feel this way. The tough, armored me arrives, cynical and swaggering, with her heart slammed shut and announcing that "I don't care anyway," I couldn't give a hoot, I don't need t, I don't need anyone!"

And then. . .just. . .numbness.

By the time t gets back in town, and I arrive at my session, I feel numb and all closed down. I don't want to look at her face. I don't want to connect. It feels like somehow she has hurt me deeply. Even though nothing terrible happened during her absence, it was the being triggered that was terrible. It was the abandonment feelings that were the crisis. All the child part of me knows is that she suffered and hurt and t wasn't there, nobody was. I felt abandoned me in my time of need.

I hate this. I hate PTSD. I hate BPD.

I just want to be normal.