last week i finally felt ok enough with t to tell him that when the bad times come... sometimes they get pretty bad. For a host of reasons i am not in control of some of the factors that make these bad times come.. t tells me that i can affect them and find ways to ride them out or manage them even if the power to stop them isn't possible right now. i guess i trust him more because i told him that i sometimes can't get the big S out of my head... thinking about what i'd do, how, where... graphic imagery.

in those times i would never call him... i never reach for anyone then... so telling him this at all is a big deal.

he asked me what i thought i could do to help myself in those times and i thought for a minute and then said that perhaps a collage could help, like it helped when i made one to remind me to be strong.

but its been a week and i have no collage... no images come to mind. i need to find things that would be things that would help me push away the dark, morbid imagery. i thought about using my dogs and stuff.. but tbh, in those times i am feeling like i've failed everyone, how they'd be better off...

no, the images need to be something removed from me in a way... something not loaded with specific meaning... no pictures of my family or the career i have wanted but feel i have failed at.. see what i mean? My "goals" become something like headstones that mark what i have fallen short from... not things to look forward to but things i cannot attain.

i know that is twisted thinking... but i am talking about a time when the ONLY thinking going on is twisted.

i need images that my twisted little head can't turn against me.

but im blank... i have no clue...

ideas?