(trigger warning for mention of SI)

During therapy, does anyone feel like a bug squirming under a microscope?

I had my second session with a new therapist yesterday.
It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable.

I didn't know what to say, or where to look. I couldn't keep looking at her, it is was too uncomfortable, but is was awkward looking anywhere else.

My T looked straight at me the whole time - she seemed to stare me down. I almost couldn't stand it. I just wanted to disappear, to go up in a puff of smoke.

I hate the thought of going back on Thursday.

Also, she made me promise to give me SI tool to my husband or to her. She said this is the lowest level of care and I have to be stable to continue seeing her. Was this a threat? Was she saying if I continue to SI she won't let me come see her anymore? I was afraid to ask and I'm not sure what she was saying.

I'm having such a hard time trusting her.
I feel like she is trying to get rid of me.