i'm overwhelmed in my coursework and getting to the point where i don't have the motivation to even try because i figure it won't matter anyway, since i don't think i'm going to "make it" which just leaves me more thinking of "not making it"... trying seems so pointless... i don't know how to face this and stop this progression but i think even if i did it would be pointless and i feel so conflicted about everything... i have no real options and maybe that's what i really want anyway... to reach that place i've been expecting with nothing left to do but die... and that's at least partly true... i really do want to die, and i'm afraid of facing anything more, of trying to move forward to be turned down and pathetic... maybe i'm just too lazy and pathetic to face whatever i need to do... which i don't even know what is... ugh. i hate myself, and i hate being this way, and i just want it all to end.