Hi. My name is Mary and I do not know what is wrong with my 46 year old husband. I have been stumped for a few years now and since last spring it has spiraled out of control.

We have 4 kids. When I first met and dated my husband --only for 13 mos. we fell in love got engaged and quickly married. I did notice increased anger and rage at times during dating. After year one of marriage it began to truly come out. I would work from home and he would pop in and berate me, etc. I thought it was surreal. Then realized I must get help. He did admit to having an "anger" problem. At this time there were no money troubles. Later when there have been he blames his anger and rage on money troubles.

I see him mismanage money so much though he would never ever agree. Then about 4 years ago he gets laid off. 2 times. During this phase increased rage and irritation and verbal nasty abuse. He touts off I will never ever work for anyone else, ya da ya da. For the past 3-4 years he has wrecked us financially and racking up tons of debt on credit cards. He also last spring was acting way wacky (he has been home supposedly working out of the house...I had to go back to work full time...tho. always did work part time)

Last spring he became cruel to me...never the kids. I began tape recording him cuz I thought he was cheating on me. He would yell and swear at our little cute puppy at the time and almost his voice changed. I felt something else was going on in his life as suddenly his computer was top secret and his cell phone. He got paranoid episodes ie. looking over his back and darting out of the house. My 14 year old would come to me at times and be alarmed, like what is dad doing mom?

So at one point I found some stuff on his computer. I secretly went on and saw a chat room that was his and some stuff ELUDED to the fact, to this day I have no clue but feel in my heart what I feel...that he cheated on me. I found Flirt alerts etc. Not much but enough to be like what the H are you doing? I confronted him and he denies. Oh the denial......the abuse continued only verbal and berating etc. I talk to some family (they have depression and alcoholism and drug use in it) and 2 sisters say that he is a "dry drunk". I researched this and sure looked like it to me. Then a lot of people do not believe it. ????

Well this summer got way way worse. One day my 14 year old alerted me to "Dad is not right mom." It was 7:30 am (oh by the way I did drag him to a md and he was on zoloft, still is 100mg for depression....the internist not a psychiatrist) So in the summer I got my scrubs on for work and headed down to the dining room. My two little boys were there in the kitchen and I took one look at my husbands face --it was a flat affect/no expression and almost grayish white! He was like another person. He says "Why are you still he4e? Get out!" I was like, hey I am leaving soon. THRU ALL OF THIS MESS HE ATTACKS ME>>>>>I AM THE BAD GUY. I am also the strongest woman and I think that really irritates him. He continues to yell at me to a scary point........I went out by my car and called in sick and came back in to take my boys out of the house. I calmly said I was sick and we are going to go out for swimming or to town for coffee and a treat. I invited my husband. As I was leaving he began screaming "Your an unfit mom! You cannot be with them. Leave them here!" I calmly left and walked with my little boys to town and my older boy too. Suddenly about 15 min. later a police car was looking for me and my husband was in our minivan behind the police car..they were looking for me, the supposed unfit mom! It was so scarey and creepy I actually wet my pants. (sorry to say this ) I was then like hiding...........then I thought how nuts is this? I get home later and he jumps up saying I want the boys. I thought over my dead body. I leave the house...............long story he went to town and spoke to a social worker to have ME admitted to a psych hospital! ME.................!!!!! Then he engaged my family and they thought I was crazy...well some of them. It is such a weird mess.

I went to the social worker and he said it is called projection/a projection of how he feels. Then that scared me even more. Unfit dad, what did you do unfit dad? Simply unable to provide for your family or something way worse?

All the while lies over everything. Got past that. I stayed home for 2 mos. becuz of the welfare of my kids. On and off for several mos. and still at times he will threaten me to take my kids or to leave. Oh and he had many nites he would leave and return next day. The day I stood up to this what I called a monster I said, "No more. I am done you leave. He then did not believe me...eventually said he would kill himself. I thought he was serious so I then backed down and tried to work it out. For 2 weeks after this talk of killing himself he went back to normal....a normal that I have not seen in the past 14 years of marriage! Then bam....everything is my fault, blames me, yells, etc.

As of the past 3 mos. now he is physically abusive. Then denies it. I almost do believe it in his eyes...they are dark...........he once punched me so hard..ie. an undercut up into my L breast that my heart almost hurt. I went to the police and reported it. They do not help at all. The social worker nice man does. They say well we have to go speak to Mr.....and ask him if he hit you. SURE.........the ill man!??? This is why this is all so nutty and crazy all of it. The denial...............

Well at this point my home for the second time is in foreclosure. He is delusional and all....now he started another! new biz and supposedly again is waiting on "funding" five million that is. In this economy? He is desperate and prays this miracle prayer every day.

On and off I work and I am not feeling so well. I feel sad now and not myself. I am anxiety riddled becuz I want to help a sick sick man. BUT I do not have 400 to go to a psychiatrist. Then again I went to two and one was great the other so so. I took my husband to an internist and he said Oh your just depressed from the no job thing. HE IS ILL and needs help. Then I get some friends telling me to divorce the dead beat dad that makes no money. Then I get the just view him as a grandpa in a wheelchair in your home that you have to take care of.

One time and only one time he grabbed one of my little boys by the back of the shirt and threw him to the ground. I said OUT and out he went. He was fuming as he looked back and swore you B..........you undermine my authority. IT is so so creepy.........................................now some other symptoms I notice: constantly picking his skin and itching his head. I see tums all over and am like what is up? He says nothing. Whenever I ? him in regards to something new and out of the ordinary he rages. One time I found a journal that he was writing in...........about me!! We are talking about 87 things! I was late to my daughters school play...I bought him a dog............scared me so much.

The rage now has escalated into physical abuse at times. Suddenly in the morning he will raise his shirt (after he shoved me or whatever) and say in a whispering voice...oh yea....his voice changes at times. He will also call me "lady" like in the third person. One day he raised his shirt (i used to grab his shirt when he would threaten me no more!) and said look at what you did to me. There was a HUGE purple/yellowish mark. HUGE. I never did any of that. He then whispered, "Mary...Mary.............I have all the pictures of what you have done to me."

Has this man been abused? As a child? Is he demonic? Does he have bipolar? Did he cheat on me and is freaking out that I will divorce him? (i will too) What does anyone out there think of only a fraction of my last 4 years?

Thanks and I would appreciate any comments. I am sorry this is so long.
Oh a little about me....a people pleaser, nice, too nice, great mom, physical therapist. I also lost all my baby fat going back to work full time!

Let me know...thank you so much!
MaryB

All the while the background here is he has had no income for almost two years--struggling financially. Barely buy groceries. He had also 2 grandiose new businesses that never took off and he dumped a lot of the money I made into them! Go figure................