hi everyone-

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia about a year ago. Im 18 yrs old.The diagnosis seemed to fit..up until recently, because i have been real confused after learing more about dissosiative disorders and personality disorders and such.

well, first of all. I have been having symptoms of schiz(or whatever the heck it is) since i was about 3 yrs old (it started out with hearing internal voices and seeing internal visions and having weird feelings-- like i was shrinking and the room was growing huge .

Things didn't get real bad until i was about 16. That;s when the symptoms really took hold. I started hearing the internal voices again (mumbling and talking in weird conversations..sometimes even talking in other languages) I also have some mild external hallucinations--like seeing shadows dash around out the corners of my eyes, seeing bugs on the walls or flying in the air, seeing objects move--like they are pulsing/breathing/changing shape/flowing, intense illusions,. And hearing mumbling voices coming from other rooms.

Then i have all these "depersonalization feelings" I know these can also be part os schizophrenia, but im so confused...
here's a short description:
-can;t tell where my body stops and the world starts--it all seems to flow together
-cant tell where my arms or legs or hands, etc. are. Or my body parts look alien and deformed and such
-my body feels all distorted and mixed up-like the way a picaso painting looks
- i constantly feel other people/creatures possessing/inhibiting my body-i feel them move inside of me and possess me and such
-my face changes when i look in the mirror-like sometimes i dont recognize myself
-sometimes, when i look at other people or objects, i recognize them as me or as my family members

other symptoms include paranoid delusions, such as:
believeing the president and government is spying on me, tracking me, spy cars follow me around. Lights give me signals that spies are near, devices have been installed along the road to track me and scan my brain and take pictures of me
The whole world is conspiring against me. I am an expariment and they are trying to hurt me and turn me into their robot.

i use to believe murderers were stalking me and my family, putting bombs outside my house, poisoning my food, hiding in my house, etc.

I also have the thought disruptions and problems that come with schiz, like problems analyzing what people are saying, trouble concentrating, mind goes blank constantly, uncontrollabe, unwanted thoughts, obsessions, etc.

and the negative symptoms, like flat emotions, low energy, poor hygiene, social withdrawl,no motivation/joy from life.

can these negative symptoms and thought problems be part of a dissosiative disorder?

other problems i've had include: severe depression (suicidal) self injury(been doing this since i was about 6 or 7) panic attacks (caused by my paranoia and fears) eating disorder (bulimia and anorexic tendancies)
..i was also physically, emotionally and verbally abused and neglected by my dad as a child...i always feel like maybe he did something to me that i cannot remember (some kind of sexual abuse)

My other problems is, is that i dont really want to get "better" the symptoms i have have been a part of me all my life. Im afraid of being normal and i use my "insanity" as a way of coping with and escaping from this world and i's reality. While some of this causes me a lot of problems, it also comforts me a great deal and is something i feel i cant give up.

I've never had another personality or anything like that. I;ve nver "left my body" and then not remembered what happened. I dont think i've had flashbacks, though some of my visions sometimes feel familiar like de ja vu , but they are too unreal and impossible to have been a flashback of anything that happened in this world.

im sorry this thread has gotten so long..thank you if you read this far. Im just wondering if anyone thinks i could also have some type of dissossiative disorder, or if my diagnosis of schizophrenia seems more accurate.

I dont know if anyone here knows much about personality disorders, but i wonder if i might have some type of it because i am so ressistant to the idea of getting better and because i for the most par, like my' illness'

-Becka