thank you for ranting.
getting feelings out is one of hte most important things to be able to do.

Your kids arent in spite of you, they're 50pct your dna, and 100pct nurtured on your love (i'm sure others love them too but I still think your love counts 100pct and more)

Give this more time, it sounds like you're starting to do so much you need to do, just give it some time to work