options... well, i can maybe pull it together to graduate, at which point i would have to either find a job or get into grad school - either of which would be very difficult. if i don't manage to graduate this semester then i could continue a couple more semesters - which i may need to do anyway to prep for grad school - but is dependent upon obtaining financial aid again - another factor in going straight to grad school. or i could get out of school for now, but this would be very unhealthy... i cannot get a simple job between the economy and my physical/psychological problems, which would leave me home and even more isolated all the time, and would end in hospitalization and/or death.

it's like i'm two people. one negative, dark, hopeless and defensive. the other creative, intelligent, idealistic, compassionate and with a spark for learning. the first is my normal state, the second is awakened, rarely, through some sparked interest. i know the first is caused by a few things, and the chemical component is apparently not going to be treated by anything i have access to. so what would it take for this to be bearable, manageable? i think i'd need supportive companionship. i feel dead from isolation... it's horrible.

but what would it take for me to find this? well, i would either need some very proactive person to step into my life and seek me out in which case i would only need to work on my fear surrounding getting close to someone for the first time. but that's rather unlikely; what i'd really probably need to do in addition to getting over the fear is somehow go against every bit of myself in changing socially - in some manner which i cannot yet fathom and my t has yet to have ideas on - so i can speak and get to know people. but if this would be possible for me at any time, now is the worst i can think of, but i'm pretty sure it's this or... yeah. do or die. and it all feels like way to much to try to do all at once... but i don't have a choice.

totally overwhelmed.