Coconut, what you're experiencing is really hard and I can relate. The wanting and needing to escape/run/zone out/dissipate/check out and how hard it is to explore that when it's so triggery.

But I love that T sees it happening and wants to explore it right now, as close to in the moment as possible, before the intensity fades. Right now is when you are the most aware of the experience.

T wants to take a look at it, maybe slow it down and see what prompted your shutting down reaction because right there is where the clue or the key is and it is rich with valuable information. T isn't judging you or attempting to put you on the spot, he is expertly seeing the gift you and he have been given in this difficult experience.

If you can, be open to exploring it next session. Yet you can also begin the session by telling him that while you want to explore this, it is very difficult and the reasons why. I often have to do this to get my shame and my self-judgement and my worries of her judging me out of the way so I can then relax into exploring with interest and curiosity and without judgement. Then I can be more open and therapy feels good, safe, and I experience T like a close mentor and the closeness feels good.

This kind of therapy is about looking right straight at things rather than about releiving symptoms because that is where the deep and long term relief will come from. As my T tells me, "Trust the process."