Anger has been swarming around me, leaking out of my mouth, hanging over me like huge dark storm clouds.

Monday's session was mostly good. We were talking about the many reasons I have for self-hatred, and how those thoughts affect me. She said not only am I hard on myself, but then I keep reminding myself why (in different ways). Silence, thinking a minute.. then she says... "In case you forgot." That cracked me up. Maybe you had to be there but she said it as if it was just a completely logical thing to do.. to remind yourself how much you suck... "In case you forgot."

Later in the session the same feeling as before: that she isn't listening to me, that her empathy is phony, that she sits there smugly thinking "sucks to be you". I Logically I know this is me, not her. She's none of those things, but it felt like it. I think there's something I want that I don't even know or acknowledge. In the moment it feels true and where I used to just feel hurt and cry, now I get angry. I DO NOT like feeling angry. I can't contain it! It's really ugly. And so after session, although I made myself wait til I got home and I really tried to give myself more room around this before judging it and reacting instead of responding... I called and left several messages that I really really really wish I hadn't. Since I'm irrational anyway, I'm hoping the machine somehow didn't record my messages. But oh geez, how do I go back? I want to. I want to apologize and not by phone. I want to explore all this but it's so hard to explore when I feel like a worm! I have a fear she will punish or retaliate, things we've talked about and she doesn't do those things, we talk.. but still I have the waves of anxiety about it. I am afraid she will say do not call anymore and wouldn't blame her but I don't want to lose that. The part of me that remembers the good parts of therapy can sometimes think it will be okay and we'll talk about it and I'll be able to get past this. But what if she hates me now?!