I'm 40 yrs old and have been into self injury since I was a preteen. It started with biting my nails off until they bled and my fingers hurt. By highschool I was an acne/pimple scratcher, again until I bled. But my friends & family just thought it was typical, normal....I don't know. I believed them. But by college it became peeling my lips until all the skin was gone & covering the wound with layers of cold sore lip balm. I blotted out the blood with napkins and stared at the bright red until it became chocolate brown. I would become OCD, obsessed with filling up the whole white square with my blood. the pain was soothing in a way...I'm not sure why. I began to pull off my toe nails until they bled. I had trouble walking. I started picking at my scalp... It was surprisingly easy to hide my secret. No one ever noticed or they choose not to see. And it confirms that I'm invisible, that my fears & pain don't matter. I have 6 tattoos, 2 on my shoulder blades, 2 on my ankles, 2 on my wrists. They are my sacred scars. I loved the pain of the needle, the scabbing above the art, the blood mixed with the ink, and the approval that my personal ink received. It is the pain/wound/scar I could control, that I didn't have to hide, that I was prepared for, I knew it was coming....I got high off of the tattoos. I finally had to stop myself. I've wanted to slash my wrists , to cut myself with knives but I'm too afraid, of the pain and of the inappropriate markings that I couldn't hide. I don't really want anybody to notice my self-injury issues. When I am feeling desperate, I daydream about smashing my face through glass windows, A LOT, almost NONSTOP. Sounds of glass or the sight of windows can be a trigger, just to completely shred my face, to destroy myself, slice off the mask... Now I'm 40 yrs old and I'm STILL having these thoughts, still peeling my lips, still scratching at moles & bumps on my body until the blood flows. For me, self-injury is part self-hatred, part desperation to feel something/anything, part OCD, part some warped idea of my taking control of my emotions. Sometimes it's just a phenomenal RELEASE. I don't drink, smoke or have sex. I don't scream or fight or exercise. I just ....you know....

I found this site on a whim. I'm feeling...you know...so I thought I'd go online instead of bleed. I hope this works.