when i was ten years old my father commit suicide, i was a few months into fifth grade. From then on, I was known at the girl with the father who killed himself. It has been 15 years and i still struggle with him being gone. I can not watch movies or news stories about people losing loved ones, it just makes me want to ball up and cry like a little girl. I get choked up when i talk about him.
I hate it. Everyone around me has their father and i dont. Mine took himself away from me, how could he do that if he loved me? He said he would always be there for me. . . where are you now daddy?!

I was young when he died... i did not yet understand what death really was... I just figured that he was gone for now and will be back later. I even saw his dead body in the casket, i watch the lid close, they lowered him and buried him. But i still thought he would be back, dad played jokes all the time. Months and years passed, and i still wait for my daddy to come back. Now when i was about 12 or 13, reality hit me, he is never going to come back. He is gone. I did not even get to say goodbye. then for months i could only think about when, where, and how i am going to die. I was freaked out about my own death for a while.

I think all this has left me afraid of the unknown. Knowing that there are so many things out there that can destroy ones life makes me paranoid and stirs up anxiety.

So now here I am, 25 years old and paranoid as hell about everything.