I have been to T 2x this week.

I had my session Monday (regular time). I was really in a resistant place. I spent a lot of time circling around what I really what I wanted to talk about (a recent memory) and saying a lot of "I don't know's". I almost felt like I was talking in riddles and then mumbling off to myself in the middle of a sentence...My T finally said "I can't quite pick up where you are today"..
Yeah well, I didn't know either. I ended up talking about how I had not wanted to be there and how I had wanted to cancel. How those feelings were so strong for me then. We talked some about how through my childhood I would do almost anything not to ask for help, things that put me in danger. How being in danger seemed a better option than the threats of my home.

When I got home I could not figure out what was up with me...What was up with the resistance that seemed to creep back in and the nagging voice that says "you are making a big deal out of nothing". And then it hit me...I am expecting full on contact from my family of origin in two weeks. They were expected to be here for a week...While this was not the first thing on my mind really, underneath my exterior functioning, I was "battening down the hatches for the attack" so to speak.

And so I realized- that's it. Opening this stuff, talking about it, cleansing my soul, cutting out the disease, is also making me so sensitive to any contact with them.

So, I called my T for a second appt to talk about this event that was impending and to talk about my sensitivity and to give voice to this awful memory (because when they come up I have no peace until they are out).

I had my second session yesterday afternoon. My T helped me to troubleshoot the impending visit. She helped me to see where I can take back some of the power that was taken from me as a child. She helped me to feel in a small way my anger. She helped me to excise some of the darkness that threatens to take over all of the time. And I was honest, so honest about my own internal reactions, my fear, my hiding out to protect myself...

Today I was able to talk about my fears with my DH. He and I worked together to come up with a solution that will work for us around the issue of this visit. And I was able to set boundaries around the parameters of the visit this morning.

Right now I am so filled with gratitude for having T. For having a person help me to learn how to protect myself, ask for help, use my resources, and find my voice.

While I know I still have so far to go...Today I am filled...

~Searching