Since my spiral last week after session, I had been so worried to go back this week. Literally I was sitting in my car wanting to run. I got to the waiting room and I was full blown nerves.
So I get in there and we talk about how I feel, I told her I was really nervous and we talked some about that.
Then we went on to talk about much lighter things this time. I am in a new relationship so we discussed that some. We had a good discussion about how in the beginning its great but as soon as things start to become intimate I want to run. Yet I continue to play along for a while and am not able to say no. However, if I meet someone new, I can tell then no no problem if they ask me to do something.

Then she enlightens me lol...she said you were abused sexually by two people very close to you, this may be why its so hard to say no when in a relationship as opposed to when someone is a stranger. It was like a light went off, wow, never thought of it that way. I so fear intimacy yet will keep hanging on to someone pretending things are fine so as not to hurt them, yet, all the while I am hurting myself.

Anyways, at the end she says, so feelings, how do you feel now? I said much better then when I came through those doors tonight, I so wanted to run in the beginning. Then she says I have been in that place. I was thinking what lol, but didn't say anything. She said I know how hard it is, I would email or call and want to cancel ect...she said her T would always say would you please come in and together we can talk about these feelings. There was such sincerity when she was saying this, I felt so much better after hearing her say that, you know that she knows what its like.

I so wanted to ask her why she went to therapy lol...I don't have the nerve yet. All in all, it was a much easier session. She said what I was experiencing is called post traumatic, sometimes your brought back to those same feelings you had at a time when things were going on. It made sense. Hopefully, as things settle with school I can delve back into those issues, I know I need to but they are so freaking scary. The emotions that come with them are all too overwhelming.

hangingon