everything has been getting really hazy lately for me. It had been hazy before, but it feels like i'm just slipping in and out of focus of a really unclear dream. I can't even feel much any more. Before, i used to cut myself in order to feel something--anything. I stopped for a while because i was so caught up in pretending to fit in and pretend to be "normal." however, it's gotten worse. I've tried cutting myself again, but it doesn't work anymore. I'm scared. I can't even feel the pain anymore. Nothing feels real. I have so much homework, tests, applications, and work to do, but i haven't done most of them! I just go through the bare motions of functioning normally, but in actuality i... I don't know what to do. I have a 3.792 gpa, but i just got a 54 on my calculus midterm and a 74 on my biology midterm. I got a b+ in chemistry, but i..i! I haven't studied biology at all. I have two lab reports due next week, and the week immediately after i have applications due...i need to focus, but i keep... My memory is getting worse. Someone can tell me something a moment ago, and i will forget. I forget important things, and i get scolded even more for forgetting. Then i end up forgetting something else immediately after that. What is wrong with me? It feels like whatever i'm saying or doing isn't me but some distant person in the dream.

I really don't have any friends, and as for my parents... I talk to them sometimes, but they do not understand what i am feeling right now. I cannot know when they are in a good mood or when they are in a bad mood. I hate group events, especially family gatherings. Whenever my family and i go out to travel, my parents will always get into an argument without fail. I can't talk to them about what i'm going through, and if i did they would laugh or mock me like they did when they found out i cut myself. My mom put on an act of pity at first, but in actuality she was really angry at me. Her anger came out by accident when she was angry at me for some other thing. She mocked me, yelling when i was attempting to hold back tears and hiding it in anger. She was saying to my dad in a very condescending and angry tone of voice: "she's probably feeling like we're being wrong to her. That's why she's was cutting herself!" i can't talk to them, but i don't have anyone else i can talk to. I'm afraid of losing those people that i do interact with... What can i do??