I asked my sister if I had a toy red squirrel as a child and she said yes - I guess I have to accept that the girl in my memory is me.............. and that it is a memory - and is real - she was kicking and screaming - I feel so sorry for her - I dont know what happened next - I dont have that memory - the only thing that grounded me yesterday was pain - then I took a sleeping pill - i cant keep doing that - my mind is all over the place - Im having trouble keeping my mask in place - keeping the panic at bay - its like just after I was attacked - how strange is that - why wont it just go away - if it is the past then let it stay there - I feel lost.......