((((((TS)))))),know that we care about you  . i am so sorry you are feeling so alone and hurting. we all need to be kind to ourselves, any little thing you do just for you, may help. please know i care about you. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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