i've told my story here before but it's been awhile... was sexually abused by a neighbor when i was 12-13. the neighbor was also friends with my dad. when my dad found out what happened, a few years later, he didn't do anything about it. he even stayed friends with the neighbor and said the guy needed "spiritual guidance". well my dad's reaction was more damaging to me than what the neighbor did because it made me feel like what happened to me was ok, just no big deal. like i wasn't worth defending or avenging or anything. since then i've had serious self-esteem issues. most of the time i just don't care about myself all that much.

my dad died in 97 and i have had a very hard time forgiving him. last year my sister told me she saw the neighbor's obit and while i was glad he was finally dead (mostly because i finally knew he couldn't abuse anyone else ever again), i found i didn't harbor nearly as much anger toward him as toward my dad, who in pretty much every other aspect was a good loving father. i was a late child and i think my dad, who was about 70 when this happened and even older when he found out, just didn't want to wrap his head around it or deal with it.

it's very hard for me because i want to forgive my father, and remember all the good things about him instead of always dwelling on that bad thing. but it's very hard for me to let it go. how do i do it? i can say it without a problem: my dad wasn't an awful terrible person. i know he loved me very much. did he screw up? yeah, big time. but i know he never meant to hurt me like that. he just wasn't wired to cope with what happened. so why can't i just let it go finally? it's been over 20 years since this happened.