Ok, I feel like reading your thread that I am someone is putting my thoughts down on paper about the way I feel about myself.

In answer to your first question about if tapering meds too fast is a way of "SIing" - you know the truth for yourself. My truth when I did it and played around with medication was "yes", it was another form of causing myself pain under the exuse that I wanted to clean out my system. I was fooling myself into thinking that this was the right way and caused my body a lot of trauma in the process. I also did not tell anyone, and to punish myself more stopped seeing the psych that had prescribed them.

As far as being a horrible person, I can hear that is the way you feel about yourself. I live with that daily and regardless of what anyone says it does not change what I think. I'd been in therapy and was ready to give up on it when something started to change b/c it got too painful living this way. In the process I was able to hear what my therapist was saying about working with that initial trauma and trying to trust her. It's hard and I have had to go to the root of the problem, the time when I started to feel like I was a horrible person, when that shame and self hatred started to become real. It is so terrifying and I want to run as far away as possible but the problem is that I am taking myself along.

I can hear from your posts that you are struggling and have been for a long time. I hope that you decide to find a person/or have a therapist to work with that can help you deal with the inner thoughts of feeling like a horrible person. I think that is where the changes start to come in and in time wanting to SI eases it's grip on you. No one can tell you that you are not a horrible person when it's that deep, but I think it's possible to deal with the feelings and start to accept yourself.

Please let me know how you are doing, I do have a sense of those thoughts. You are not alone and do have support.