Hi everybody,
I continue on this journey of trying to get back to some stability, and I really need advice from folks about what to do now. A while back in therapy I was talking to my T about how much I miss my old T. She said "Is there anything I can do?" I said, "Sure, call my old T and beg him to take me back as a client." Then I said "NO, that wouldn't work and I know it." Her response, "I would do it you know if you want me to."

So, I am still having such adjustment difficulty and really missing my old T as my Bipolar meds stopped working. This has been so hard for me. I finally called new T on the phone yesterday and said, "Alright, please, call old T and beg him to take me as a client." I knew this probably wouldn't work if I'm being totally honest, but I wanted her to at least try. She phoned me a few hours later and said she wouldn't do it, which had me just shaking with anger.
I could barely speak to her because I didn't want to be rude.
I called her back and left a message saying, "I have been doing everything you've asked and doing my best to be totally honest with you about how I'm feeling. But what you said was such a serious breach of my trust. Why put out there if you didn't intend to do it?--- and part of the work we've been doing is to try to establish this trust-- which is really hard because of my feelings about my former T. "
She called back and said she heard me and we should it talk about it in session on Tuesday, so I called her and told her I'm really not sure I wanna do that. If therapy is getting me nowhere, why should I go? And if I can't trust her, what the heck am I supposed to do?

The issue is complicated by the fact that even though I have a parity condition, I can't see another therapist because I'm out of sessions. Can't afford to pay full price to another therapist and this T agreed to see me for copayments only. I am still reeling from the dramatic change in my mood and from meds that aren't fully working, and I am in serious trouble. But my response to everything she did yesterday was to make me feel much more dangerous-- and I came extremely close to SI. I came here and a wonderful person-- you know who you are, helped talk me down.

I am now indifferent as to whether I live or die. I can't start with someone new for financial reasons, and I don't trust this therapist at all!!! Her statement was one of the first things she had said that made me feel like I could trust her. Her taking it back, makes me feel I can't.

Can anyone advise on what I should do? Should I try to work this out with her, or should I just fly solo. It seems to me either path hazards about the same risk that I am not going to make it.

KKat