Well I have decided to see a psychiatrist. I have been dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression for most of my life, but instead of getting treatment, I just have been suffering through it. Not anymore. I guess I have always had this stigma attached to seeing a psychiatrist, such as I am weak if I need help or it is wrong to take medications. I have often thought to myself that I just need to deal with things. I basically had a breakdown at Christmas. Why, I have no idea, but it was extreme. I went to my family doctor who ended up prescribing lexapro and klonopin. I felt better, but my doctor didn't want me to rely on the klonopin, so again I felt guilty taking it like I wasn't suppose to so I missed out on sleep. I can't function without sleep, I can't function as a parent without sleep, I can't drive well without sleep,I can't think without sleep, I can't work without sleep. It is hell. I went back to the doctor, he prescribed Wellbutrin because he said it would help me not gain weight with the lexapro and he gave me another prescription for klonopin .5mg instead of the 1mg I had been taking despite the fact that I told him I was still having panic attacks. My mom was killed in a horrible car accident two years ago, I have lost my best friend, I didn't have the opportunity to grieve bc I was in school full-time and working full-time. After school ended, anxiety and panic and grief hit me like a freight train. I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety most of my life. When I was younger, I was afraid to sleep by myself. I have always been afraid to ask people for help or ask any question. My dad was extremely abusive, but I didn't know how abusive until I had children on my own and then realized I would never treat my children the way I was treated. I ended up in an abusive relationship where I was physically and emotionally abused. When I left, I started having anxiety. So most of my life has been filled with anxiety,fear, and panic And then at Christmas, I wake up in the middle of the night in complete panic thinking that the devil is coming to possess me. Where does that come from? We went to church when I was younger, I remember seeing movies in church as a child about the end times and about the anti-christ. I remember my dad telling me God would be disappointed in me because I had dyed my hair for Halloween, he would tell me I was immoral bc of a swim suit I had, I came home one day and he had cut it into little pieces and then left it in my drawer. I have always felt like sex was a sin, that having sex was dirty, that God would be angry with me. When I was pregnant with my first son, I was 20 yrs old and living with my boyfriend. My dad left a note on my door saying that he prayed that God would take my baby from me because I was living in sin. I am probaly screwed up. I am tired of anxiety. I panic when my youngest son goes outside to play. I check on him sometimes every 5 minutes. The anxiety is debilitating. I am getting help and I am not going to feel guilty about taking medications anymore. Hopefully a psychiatrist will be of better help than my primary doctor.