I keep thinking about it, also - trying to understand it more. We (as a system of alters) had an experience where someone finally confronted that controller (top alter) and it didn't shut down the body like usual, so I was sharing this with T and the struggle between that alter and myself that was happening (controller trying to squish me out by applying terrible tension to the body... long story... but it was sort of a life and death struggle for myself as the entity Kiya and I outlasted it, which was a huge victory). That was when T's eyes picked up that depth of pain (almost like she is starting to realize just how far this Alice and Wonderland rabbit hole really goes). But she didn't look away, didn't dismiss it... she took it to be very real which also helped pave this new path between us. Other T's in the past would have questioned what I thought this was really about or "how do i define this" in terms other than an alter fighting for control. But she believed me without a doubt and the look she had seemed to verify that for me - that she also saw the seriousness of the situation and was not going to back away from me as if I were something mad or contagious. The first time I had seen that look (back in Jan) it really scared me - it told me things had gotten way too serious and maybe even past what T could deal with (when she wanted to hospitalize us) - that look had told me to run, and has haunted me all this time. But last night, that look somehow told me she is in this for the long haul. I really hope my ascertaion is correct too. Anyway, that was why I started this thread... I've been with her 14 months now and so new looks or new reactions seems worthy of observation =) T always tells me that I am an observer and that I need to tell her what I notice. Maybe I should tell her this. I suppose I still am at the point where I am afriad I'll lose her if I reveal the 'wrong' thing. So i keep my observations to myself until I am sure (or think I am sure) of their meaning.. or get so paranoid that I have I have to share them so she can correct them. Anyway, thanks for reading. and thanks also for sharing your own thoughts =) It helps validate and make this real...also helps me see the direction of where i'm headed.
(((((((((((((MissC, Madisgram, Peaches))))))))))))))))