(((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))

Wow, two of things you said in your thread really resonated with me.

One is that you are afraid to tell her of your new insight because you might "lose" the connection....I am so scared to tell T when I feel something positive because I am afraid he will take it away. Like if I say "it feels good when you say X" he will make a mental note "never say X to earthmama again". I don't know what that is about - but we have talked about it a lot, and the fear is getting less. Now I can tell him sometimes about the positive or hopeful feelings I have about our relationship, and my therapy, and I do trust that instead of taking it away, he will give me MORE.

The other thing that struck me is feeling the alters fighting for control- the tension that causes. Just TODAY in therapy, I was adult me for almost the whole session and suddenly I could feel me slipping away and a littler me wanting to come in....and I fought it. I told him I was fighting her, that I didn't want that right now. I sort of felt like adult me won out, but when I left the session, I felt kind of "in-between" and I couldn't remember anything about what I KNOW was a really fine, very adult session. I think I left him a message and asked him to leave a message for little me because I knew she was sad because she loves him the most...and he did leave her a message, and said how proud he is of her and of ALL of me, and how much he cares for her The struggle you talked about sounded SO familiar, and it feels so weird to..."win", I guess (although T didn't want me to think of it as winning, or as being mean to little me - I do feel like adult me kind of "won" the battle today).

(((((((((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))