I hate this feeling.

I have been with T, twice a week, for about 15 months. In that time, we've discussed some REALLY scary stuff that happened to me. The things we've discussed are the things that I feel like I've healed from somewhat....so, intellectually, I *know* that bringing things into the light and looking at them is the right thing to do.

Plus, I LOVE T. I know he loves me, ALL of my parts. I know I can trust him, and he won't hurt or judge me. He has proven over and over again that those things are true.

But!! The one thing I can not, and have not, discussed in therapy (more than a tidbit here and there) is actually the thing that brought me to therapy in the first place...my childhood. I CAN NOT talk about it. And I know it's time. The past few weeks have been really crazy for me in my real, current life, so he and I have just been working on surviving that - but now I've made it through that and I am left with this childhood crap looking me in the face.

The little part of me is TOO SCARED TO TALK. We were told that if we ever told, we would be killed. As clear as that. "If you tell, I will kill you". Adult me knows that no one is going to kill me now - no one would have actually killed me THEN, but I was too little to understand that - but little me will NOT let me talk. Or maybe I won't let HER talk. It's this awful internal battle.

I went back and read old posts last night that I had written when I had disclosed big things to T. One disclosure in particular was so shameful and terrifying and humiliating, something I have NEVER told anyone before or since....and I read in my old post that right after telling him I felt BETTER, and relieved. He told me that he wanted to share it with me so I wouldn't be alone with it.

This childhood stuff feels so different though - it is at the core of who I am, of why I split into more than one part, of everything. Part of me knows I have to start talking about it eventually. I don't know how to avoid it anymore. But oh my gosh, I DO NOT WANT TO. If I didn't love T so much it might just make me quit therapy.

I guess I am going to go and talk about not wanting to talk. I don't WANT those painful sessions, I don't WANT little me to have to feel all of that fear, I don't WANT to go there.

My anxiety level is sky high.