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Old Feb 14, 2009, 08:12 AM
Anonymous29412
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This is an e-mail I wrote to T this morning that I am not going to send, because I know it will make me spiral all weekend. If I am feeling brave, I will bring it on Monday to my appt... Some of it will make no sense, but. Oh well.

Hi T

I woke up anxious again this morning, and I think I know why.

In all of these months of therapy, I feel like I've successfully avoided really talking very much about my childhood. I feel like I've made big progress inside about the things we HAVE talked about, and that makes me know that talking is the right thing to do. My childhood is what brought me to therapy in the first place - I never thought we'd be talking about X and Y, ever.

I think that's part of why I can't let young me be with you....I don't want her to TALK. It sucks.

And the dream - "let go of the rope" - I think part of why that make me so anxious is because I think "letting go of the rope" is a little bit about letting go of the secrets and the pain and fear that is attached to them. Everything about who I am, deep inside, is a result of my childhood. I don't want to look at the dark, scared, empty parts of me. Looking at them feels TOO SCARY. I don't want to hang on to the rope, at all...but letting go of it feels like it might be even scarier. What if the rope is what is holding me together in one piece?? What if the rope is keeping me tethered to the here and now? What if I just drift away?

I don't know if i can't talk because I was told so many times "If you tell, I will kill you". I KNOW, intellectually, no one will kill me now. Although this irrational part of me is like "well, maybe SHE won't kill me, but maybe GOD will - like I'll be hit by a bus or fall down the stairs or something" I know it sounds stupid, but it's a real fear. It scares me.

And the weird thing is I LOVE you and I TRUST you and I STILL can't make myself open my mouth and start talking about it. I don't want you to see little me and her pain and fear. I don't even know why really.

I think sometimes in session when I want you to tell me a story....I don't know if it is a way to avoid talking or a way to help little me feel safe. Or both. Honestly, if I didn't love you so much, I almost think I'd quit therapy at this point.

It's crazy - I look back at old things I wrote when I "talked" about things, and I know that even though it's scary, you help me, and I know it's the right thing to do. Why can't I apply that knowledge to this?

My anxiety level is WAY too high for 6:30 in the morning. I don't want to have the feelings I get when I open things up in therapy and then have to wait days and days to see you again. I remember early in therapy telling you that I just wanted 40 hours straight of appointments so I could just talk and feel and be helped and not be left on my own to deal with the crap that comes up. That's how I feel now. Like, I don't know if I can DO this.

Whew. I guess that's where I'm at. I am, of course, scared that you are going to change things on me now, even though you've SHOWN me that you won't do that.

I guess I am writing this because it's stuff I'm too scared to say in session. I hope I don't regret sending this.

Thankfully, I'm busy, busy, busy until Monday night. Yay for busy.

Don't forget to put turtle in the box if you go back.

Don't make me talk if I don't want to!

I don't want what you said in your message to change. I don't want you to think "well, I was proud of her YESTERDAY, but with this new information....not so much"

It feels risky to send this, but I'm going to do it.

EM

Of course, I DIDN'T send it....but I thought posting it here might help.