EM,
I totally get how hard it is to enter those scary places with a therapist, even when T is a trusted friend. That you are contemplating it, and know that it's what you must do just shows how committed you are to finding wellness and healing. Of course, that it frightens the heck out of you makes a lot of sense too. Going to the worst and most horrible places is totally panic inducing, even when you do so with someone you really care for.

I can remember years with my old T where i specifically avoided certain subjects because they just seemed too hard, or too painful. But I also know that the relief I found when I plucked up my courage and discussed them was massive. I don't want to sugar coat this-- those talks were some of the hardest I've ever had, and I didn't find automatic resolution to some of the trauma I've encountered. It was scary to be stuck in it for a few weeks (and even sometimes a few months) while I worked it through.

Can you open a discussion with T about how anxious you are about discussing it? That might be a good place to start gradually letting it into the conversation. You do know it needs to go there eventually, but maybe T would have some ideas on how to open it or control it so it doesn't get the best of you.

Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs as you figure what is the best way to do this.

Best,
Kkins9