Yeah, it is scary. I spent a couple of years studying the disorder. Trying to make sense of it philosophically. That was okay. Objective. Didn't apply to me. I really didn't think it did apply to me to start with - but then over time I started to see that it did. And that it made more sense of my symptoms than any other explanation that had been offered thus far. But even that is rational. That is something that I was fine with. But ME. How it affects ME. What it is like to be ME. To live with this, to live with them. That is different. Thats scarey. I retreat too easily to the rational sphere and leave me out of it altogether. That is much easier for me to cope with. Abstract is easy for me. I guess maybe it is part of my ability to dissociate - to just leave me out of the picture fairly much. But yeah, the personal aspect is hard. You are right on there.

I was thinking that what I went through was a mild form of a fuge state. I didn't travel far away and it didn't take all that long to come back. I guess I just wondered whether othere peoples with DID got those sometimes. Where they sort of switch and don't come back properly. Whether this is something that may get worse for me before it gets better. Or if it is an unusual thing that probably won't happen to me again. I guess it happened because my p-doc terminated me and I was having a really hard time accepting that. I guess it was a way to see him again. How embarrasing. How embarrasing my psyche is... How transparant even to me. Once I remembered that, once I remembered the termination the reasons for what happened to me became clear. I was so very embarrased. Horrible.

Yeah. I get what you mean about the difference between 'child ego states' and that. Thats probably why I find it harder to come here and read here and post here. Because it is realer to me here. It is closer to my experience over here. And because I am new to all this. And I am scaired. Especially when I think of the long way ahead of me and I haven't even started on that path yet. I JUST WANT A THERAPIST.

Thanks Zen.