(I just threw a trigger on here because I'm not sure when to use them)

A friend of mine from AA just called, and a GOOD AA friend of mine died in his sleep last night. I am in shock. I honestly, truly can't wrap my mind around it. My inlaws are here and they don't know I am in AA so I am just avoiding them or acting okay when I am around them,...and then I have to go hide in my closet and cry some and then I come out and act okay again.

The person who called asked me to call some other friends, so I did and each time I said it: "john died" - it started to seem more real. But it still feels really surreal. I smoke one cigarette a week and I smoke it at my Monday AA meeting - he always waited for me and the two of us would stand outside and I would tell him about therapy and he would make me laugh. We had similar histories and a special connection. I am SHAKING.

I am trying to use my compartmentalization skills from childhood to get through this time while my inlaws are here but it feels like crap. Maybe I'll switch into another self who can deal with this.

I am so sad

I called and left a message with T and asked if he would call me, but I don't expect to hear from him tonight. It's okay - I told him it's okay and it is.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I guess nothing.