do you see a therapist? sounds like your frustrations are at high peak. u could do harm to yourself, like your knuckles...there are other ways to get out the anger. it's not a bad thing if we feel anger. but how we deal with the anger in a healthy way can help you feel better about yourself.  i'm sorry about your not being able to see your dad. i'm sure you love him very much.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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