Sorry, I do not want to sound repitious, but what you need is professional mental help, we can all listen, sympathize, but none of us are pdocs or therapists, and I personally feel if you seek professional help, you'll be able to get out of this cycle you have been caught up in.
Refusing help, just will keep you going "round and round" like you seem to be doing. . .time to break out of the circle and get professional help.
I have faith, if and when you finally give in and seek real help you'll get on the right track.
Take care now,

DE