Really struggling right now and have been for past few days. I want to cut soooooo very bad. This may sound pretty strange, but I want to cut so bad that even the thought of doing it excites me in a way. I can almost feel how my being so overwehlmed would diminish. How grounded I could feel - or how I could just "feel" for that matter. It has been about twelve days since I last injured myself and it wasn't by cutting. I am having a lot of anxiety over several life changes and can't seem to get a grip on things. In addition, I have a friend who is also going thru a very rough time and cuts and I'm trying to be supportive of her, but really don't think I am strong enough for myself let alone the both of us.

I was recently hospitalized for fifteen days, have therapy weekly, see my P Doc about every two weeks, and am in a Partial Hospitalization program three days a week. I also have nightly check-ins with my T on M thru F. I have stopped one of my meds Friday night that was just wiping me out. But, I had these urges before the RX halt. I actually physically feel better since stopping the med, but not sure how to tell T or P Doc without getting the self medicating lecture. Only I know how I really feel, right?

Despite all the supports I still want to just do it and feel better in a way that nothing else can do for me. I have tried "coping" strategies but my mind won't let me focus on them as it is elsewhere - that place where only cutting can take me. I'm torn in that I don't want to disapoint my supports but I want what I want more. Does anybody else experience such desires and able to resist them and how or is it best to just accept them and do the enevitable? Please help as my patience is waning. Thanks for listening and for your support.