I recently found out that my abuser (step-grandfather) died. As soon as I read those words in my email I was rushed with emotion. Some of which I feel bad for feeling.

My first feeling was "Thank God!".....then I got full of other feelings. I was angry for not being able to tell him how much I hate him, how ugly he is inside and out, how much he destroyed my life and how much I wanted him to feel everything I felt over and over again.

I got sad for losing my "grandfather", even if he was my abuser. I got happy because I don't have to worry about him being there, doing things to other little kids. I was confused because I still don't think that side of the family believes me. My dad believed me at first, but then my step-mom convinced him otherwise. I was hopeful that if he had done anything with any other kids in the family, that they would come forward knowing they were not in any danger.

The family posted a website dedicated to him. There were pictures of him with kids from the family and a couple with me in them. There was one where I was sitting on his lap with my dog next to us....I felt so sick to my stomach! I have dissociation so when I see that picture, I know it's "me", but I don't have the feelings of him doing anything to "me"....he did it to "that poor innocent child"...if that makes any sense.

Anyways, I could go on and on...I just needed to get some of this out. Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out of my head!