trust...such a loaded topic.

for me...i tend to go with my ample gut. being both a survivor of horrific childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) and law enforcement has taught me to follow what my natural instinct tells me. of course i may not always listen to it but usually its right.

i think that many times when something "just don't look right" chances are it ain't. same goes for people.

now this all being said...(and i know it sounds so ice and cut and dry doesn't it?) i must be honest and say because of the childhood from hell i can pretty much say i don't entirely trust anyone. i'm `not proud of this but it just doesn't feel safe. my t is great but there';s things i just can't tell or show her....or let her inside.

i would like to learn to trust and especially heal from some of the hell but i've made so many walls i can't knock them down now.

i am overall a pretty upbeat person. i believe in humor (it has saved me from the brink many times) and try to use it to help others...but sometimes it would be nice to let people know of the pain inside me...but i'm just not sure it's safe.

part of it is the ptsd from the abuse and the law enforcement. i got put into a situation which altho many years earlier than 9/11 was in some ways very similar (altho thankfully without the deaths)...we were trained and trained and trained some more and then told that when this event happened we would be killed by terrorists. not a matter of if just when. everyone in intelligence knew it. it would have been okay had i been a combat trained soldier but i wansn't...i was a law enforcement officer in a federal agency that was about as anti-law enfoecemnt as you could possibly be (most sites still beleived you should carry your weapon in a briefcase and not on your belt). and here i was being trained in hostage negitiations, bombs and explosives, firearms, tactical operations etc. trained for months.

and then just told to stand there and wait...while the world watched. we couldn't go home...slept on a cot, outside...no food or showers or anything...we were stuck. oh anyway...it was the start of many long years of work at this place were the fear never ended.

anyway...got a little sidetracked there...sorry

now i forgot what else i was going to say. damn hate when that hapeens. anyway i so understand the traut issue thingy.