Ok, that makes sense.. Too much sense.. :/

I know I don't have to prove myself to them.. And I have actually said that to them, somewhere along the lines of "Luke knows where I was, so I don't need to justify myself to you, get on with your own college life, not mine."

I guess it's because I've always lived by the rule that I have to make everyone else happy or everyone else won't like me.. And somehow it's always happened that if I don't make them happy and I do something for me, instead, they hate me for it :/ so where do I win? I can't make myself feel better by doing something TO make myself feel better if they just make me feel terrible about it, can I?! It makes absolutely no sense!

*sigh* I had a crappy weekend, it was boring.. I went and did some combat work with Dom, in the gym.. I was the only one that turned up AGAIN! So, felt ok about that but was so, so tired. Then that same damned night I got phonecalls from some girl saying that my boyfriend was between her legs and so on and so forth. I had dissociated just before this, when Craig called me asking if I was ok, telling me that Connor was worried about me because he couldn't get hold of me. I told him I was fine, just a bit stressed and when I cursed under my breath he asked if I was sure I was ok.. I just sighed and said "Yeah, Craig. Don't worry about me. Honest, I'll be fine..." Then when this disgusting, childish little girl was on the phone saying these things to me, I just sat there and said "Yeah, ok. Yup. Sure, when he was JUST on the phone to me. Yep. Ok, well I'll leave you to it then. Night!" and just pulled the phone out of it's socket before she could bother me again.

This was the first night that I was actually about to fall asleep early enough. Then SHE interrupted and I just burst into tears after that. I gave up and just whacked my head again and again, wishing that people would just quit making my life such a misery all the time.

Sunday was the worst. I had to spend the whole day in bed, doing nothing, going nowhere. The pains got too much, so bad that I couldn't actually even roll over or anything. So, spent the whole day in bed, bored out of my head and unable to do anything at all

I went to the gym today, despite the pain I just thought 'I don't care how much pain I'm in, I need to do this workout!' Luckily for me, though, the pain wasn't so bad today. So, i went into the gym, the only one yet again, but about 5 minutes later, 2 others turned up *thank God!* and we did some aerobics to warm up, 2x circuit training and then the abs workout. My body hurt then, after doing this on top of the combat on Saturday, but it's ok now. Still planning on going to the gym everyday for the rest of this week.

So.. I'm just at a complete loss as to what I should do anymore to be perfectly honest.. People want to come and see me, have fun, I just want to be alone, to hide away, to stop anyone and everyone from seeing this mess that I am, from seeing how much I hurt, from knowing that I just don't want to be here at all

I dissociated again last night and then once again today.. I didn't come out of it today until Charlene said my name and I looked at her, blank faced and said "wha? Sorry Char, what did you say?" And then it was all ok. I'm just sick of this. It's really getting to me, it's ruining my social life and it's killing me inside. If only I knew how to stop this.