My Support Forums - View Single Post - Would you consider a job transfer...if you had to leave your T behind?

Simcha · Feb 16, 2009, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notme9

This is one of those moments where it feels like a choice has to be made between therapy and real life.

I've been in therapy for close to 2 years. This is my first time trying it and it's been very very hard and I've struggled a lot with it. But I do feel like it helps me learn things I haven't been able to learn up to this point on my own, and makes me a more well-rounded person. I think my T is very qualified, is a good match for me, and knows me well, and I really can't fathom starting over with someone new. I feel like I was so lucky to have found someone so good on this try, and that it would be highly unlikely that I'd find someone so good again.

So the problem: is it strange not to consider a job offer in a new city primarily because you would have to leave your therapy/therapist behind?

I don't know. Is that a sign that your priorities are off? Like, the point of therapy is to improve your life functioning/position, and in some ways, that would be holding yourself back for therapy instead. And for what? For a paid relationship, that will eventually end anyway. I already spend way too much energy thinking about therapy, instead of on more productive career enhancing activities.

All that said, I have always had trouble with breaks in therapy, and my T has said she feels like she's always on the edge of losing me. That is, I do struggle with not just walking away from therapy when I feel upset, I am sensitive to disruptions in our regular schedule, and I think I would feel a huge loss if I left. Moving would be the ultimate walking away...maybe the braver, bigger learning opportunity would be to stay and keep that "relationship" alive?

I really don't know what the sensible thing to feel here is...

Well, I've had a similar situation happen recently in considering to transfer to a new university, but I think I've decided to stay where I'm at for now. This might change in the future and that's okay.

Everything you said is definitely valid to be concerned about though. I think the sensible thing to "feel" as you mentioned, is exactly what you do feel. Nothing you have posted here is illogical in any way that I can see, and I value logic a good deal.

My situation might be slightly different in that I don't have problems with breaks when my therapist goes on vacation or holidays come up or what have you.

However, in my situation, I'm leaning toward staying because of a couple of important reasons that I can't discount. One is that I don't have a job offer, but rather a consideration to transfer universities to a possibly better university closer to family. I don't live that far away from family though, so the family thing alone is not enough.

Secondly, there is no way of knowing if the quality of life would be better at the new university for me or not-- in fact, it might be worse. It's a gamble because there is no way of truly knowing unless I make the leap. I don't know if I am ready for the leap. Third, I like my location and it is very stressful for most people to move anyway. I would not be able to see my therapist very frequently as he would be a couple of hours away, and I'm afraid that I might have difficulty adjusting and need him during that time period. Then again, I might be fine. Fourth is that I have some support here in the way of my T and a couple of friends. It is also a comfortable and familiar environment in many ways. Five is the expense inherent in moving, although sometimes that is worthwhile and in the near future I will be able to afford it.

These are all things I discuss to some degree with my therapist, although only I will know if it is right for me or not. He can't really advise me on that as he is not in my shoes.

IMHO-- you do not sound ready to move, and I think that's quite alright. There isn't any right or wrong answer really, it's a situational thing and you can reserve the right to change your mind at any moment in the future.
FYI-- I don't consider the moving decision to be indicative of an unhealthy dependence on the therapist. Many factors are to be taken into account, and I think your considering those in the equation in the appropriate way.

There isn't anything to feel bad about in this situation either. Other employment opportunities will pop up if you decide to wait for a better time. Have you discussed this with your T as of yet?