We had a 90 min. appt. It was scary. I don't remember a huge part of it and he said it was okay and I told him not to tell me what I told and he said I will tell myself when I am ready to hear it.

I do remember being SCARED that something bad is going to happen now. Like burrowing my face in the couch, hiding under the blanket, shaking kind of scared. I remember T pulling me back finally, saying "you are a mom,you are here, you have a grown up you who is powerful, you are a friend, etc." We fought about something at some point. It was the craziest session- I remember bits and pieces.

I told him the name of my youngest part. He smiled and repeated it. He told me that he loves me and all of my parts very much and that no matter what I tell him, that can't change. He said that bad things won't happen if I tell - that was a lie that I was told.

I feel dizzy and spinny. Not spiraly, just dizzy. T said these will be hard sessions and we have to figure out a way to be gentle. I told him I just want to quit therapy. He said something like "that's not an option" - but not in a mean way. I know he just meant "I don't think going off with all of this half done is a good idea". I know he's right.

He said we will integrate the parts of me. I told him I don't even know if I WANT that. It's kind of safe this way, except when things start bleeding over.

AA tonight. Funeral tomorrow. Too much too much too much