thanks for all the replies...

to sannah... yes, horrible self-esteem still. but part of me feels like i should be able to get past it after all this time. like, i recognize the cause of it, so why can't i change it. grrrr....

to luce - your post hit close to home. part of the problem is my siblings... they don't want to remember my dad that way so they say i need to let it go. like "you know he loved you" and "is that all that matters" and "was he really such an awful terrible person" and that kind of thing. one of my brothers is more understanding and will let me talk to him about it (he was also the only person who really seemed to be angry and wanted to do something when the abuse happened, but he was young too), but my older sister won't listen at all and my older brother claims he didn't even know about this until last year and says, "ok, he was wrong. can we move on now?" and i'm torn between wanting validation and feeling like a whiny brat.

christina - i think i'm angrier with my father because he was the one that was supposed to protect me. the neighbor was just a disgusting old man i didn't like much even before he ever touched me. my dad was my dad, who told me i was beautiful every day, and told me stories, and bragged to his friends about how smart and talented i was. it made me feel like he was a fraud somehow. like all the good stuff was just a bunch of crap. i was still glad when the neighbor finally died though. good riddance.

ice - have talked to t about this. she says i've every right to be angry no matter what anyone thinks. but i'm tired of every time i have some positive memory of my dad i can't just enjoy it. there's always that shadow there. i just want to be able to reconcile the anger with the love. because i'm always going to love him no matter what. and i don't want those bad memories of bad things tainting the rest of my life. i don't want it to have that power over me forever.