Sled Chick,
It was with concern and sadness when I read your post.
I'm so glad you checked in and let us know how you are doing...

The concern is about the morphine. It can become a problem very quickly to a person with addiction problems. I believe you are already aware of this...
I applaud you for sharing honestly about it.
The sadness because I relate to the conflicting emotions about the pain and relieving it. I remember the cravings and the frustration, and the harsh way I treated myself because I thought I was such a loser.

Taking morphine, or any drug, that is not prescribed for you is dangerous. Please rethink taking this highly addictive drug...
Is it possible for your physician to prescribe another pain reliever? Perhaps letting him/her know that your pain levels are so high will prompt a new treatment protocol.

Jme, but I had to be very careful when being treated for chronic pain. I needed relief but I also had to be on the alert for cravings; satisfied by taking the drug early and/or upping the dose.
It's a fine balancing act and an individual one...it's something you can work out with your physician, Sled Chick.

This demon called addiction is very seductive and requires us to be alert to its call to return to it.
Do everything you can to take care of yourself. If you can not get to any meetings, is there someone you can talk to?
Post here and share, you know that we understand and we do care.
PM with someone who has good time in the program, and can give you a different kind of support.

Above all, please be honest with yourself.
It's very easy to find reasons or justification for taking drugs or for drinking. I know; I've used quite a few of them myself.

Sled Chick, you don't have to go it alone.
But you do have to go it...baby steps or whatever. It's up to you to take those steps.

Peace,
Cap