Whoops - I just almost set myself up for a big old spiral!

I want to e-mail T and ask him if I died, would he come to my funeral. I guess because I just came home from a funeral, and while I was there, I was wondering who some of the other people were. John had a pdoc he has been seeing for years, and I just now wondered "was he there"?

I know that exoticflower asked her T this question and he said "no". I am trying to imagine my T's response. I asked T yesterday if anything bad was going to happen to me now that I've started telling (a HUGE HUGE fear of mine right now) and of course, he can't promise nothing bad will happen - although he did promise that if something bad DOES happen, it's not because of me telling, that that is an old lie. I told him I needed him to do something magical to make me feel better - and to be put back together and not all splintered - before I left my appt. He looked at me very seriously and said "I can't do any magic, but I CAN tell you that I care about you very much, and I love you very much". And he told me to try to remember I am a grown up and the things that are happening in my flashbacks are NOT HAPPENING NOW. I KNOW he cares about me and loves me. But would he come to my funeral? WHY DO I CARE? Do therapeutic boundaries apply to funerals? Would he NEED to come to say good bye, the way I needed to go to John's? Or would he NOT need to come?

I want to ask him, but I am afraid the answer is no. The thing is, the "no" wouldn't hurt my feelings - I kind of expect that he wouldn't go. But at the same time, I think there would be something upsetting about it. It's so hard to not ask! I had my e-mail open ready to e-mail him, and then I had an "a-ha!" moment and decided to just process it here instead.

My mind is way too busy sometimes. I think I need to find something to do RIGHT NOW to connect with the world around me, rather than ruminate on T and my funeral. Sheesh.